U. S. ArmyLove

Military Humor


WARNING to the Service Men who are Returning from Being Away on Deployment. Some things to keep in mind as you return home from your adventure. You will have to be very patient with your wife as she adjusts to your presence after all the time she has spent without you there.

1. As soon as you walk through the door, take out the trash immediately, as she is sick of doing it.

2. Do not be alarmed if she jumps over the couch and runs 60 miles an hour to get to the telephone when it rings, she thinks it is you calling, and that is one call she isn't going to miss!

3. Forgive her for any nightly beatings that may occur to your body. This thrashing that happens is because she is used to having the bed all to herself. In extreme conditions, she may start screaming thinking you are someone she doesn't know and she may even call the police to report she is being robbed. If you are attempting to make love to her, you may be in jail on rape charges until she realizes you are her husband and are home from sea.

4. Dinner time will require some adjusting. Do not say a word if she cuts up your meat before she puts it on the table. Ignore the fact that there will not be a place setting for you. You may not even have a chair to sit in as she has probably used it to reach those high things in the cupboards that you used to get for her. Do not expect home cooked meals. She is used to making quick foods and kids T.V. dinners. Although you are looking forward to having home cooked meals, she is not looking forward to making them. You may even find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich waiting for you one night. Just eat it and be thankful it is there.

5. If there is an errand to run, RUN IT! Your life could depend on it. After having to drag all the kids to the store just for a gallon of milk, she may shoot bullets from her eyes if you refuse!

6. You may not understand her language as she has had to speak to the children a lot during the time that you have been gone. What she may say to you if you are complaining about people at work, "Tell them your mommy will come out there if they don't play nice." If you stub your toe, she may say, "Ooh, did you get a boo boo." Bare with her, this will eventually subside and she will speak normally.

7. THIS IS IMPORTANT: Do not walk in the bathroom if she is in the shower. She may suspect an intruder and try to kill you! She forgets you are home!

8. Last but not least, expect tears. Lots of them. Just as your heart is the only thing the military hasn't confiscated, her heart is the only thing that loneliness has not robbed her of. Love that has been saved up for as long as you have been gone is bound to make your wife a tad bit emotional. With a little bit of patience and understanding on both your parts, your home coming will be all that you expect it to be, as long as you follow the rules above.

Army Voice Mail

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of gray funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitterpassed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.

NCO's and Officers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reducesheight and spots a man down below.He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me whereI am?"The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feetabove this field." "You must be an NCO", says the balloonist."I am" replies the man. "How did you know?""Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technicallycorrect, but it's no use to anyone."The man below says "You must be an Officer"."I am" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well", says the NCO, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going,but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you werebefore we met, but now it's my fault."


1. You wear socks and flannel nightgowns to bed.
2. You have possession of the remote control.
3. You get up in the middle of the night to check your e-mail.
4. You plan your meals around your fast food coupons.
5. You curl up on the sofa with "FRIENDS."
6. You only shave your legs when you have a doctor's appointment.
7. You gave a Christmas gift to the pizza delivery man and you refer to the mailman as "my best friend."
8. You got excited when you discovered Gorton's makes 2 kinds of fish sticks.
9. You only clean house for wives meetings.
10. You've ever scheduled an appointment and waited in line to talk to a "Mir Space Station" version of your spouse.
11. You have more than five McDonald's bags on the floor of your car.
12. Your idea of a night on the town is "CHICAGO HOPE" or L.A. LAW".
13. Your first Christmas together is........apart.
14. You realize Mt. Vernon may be the home of George Washington, the father of our country, but George Washington is the home of the father of your child(ren).
15. You have regular conversations with your dog/cat (pet).
16. Your child thinks his dad/mom is in the VCR.
17. You realize the only French you got to use was mustard.
18. You've been on TV more than once describing what its like to have your spouse in the Persian Gulf.
19. You realize the only way you will have an "Evening in Paris" is if you visit the perfume counter.
20. CNN reporters are starting to all look alike.
21. You've exhausted every idea a brain could have of what to put in a box!
22. You can spell Jabel' Ali
23. You know what UAE stands for.
24. And you actually know where it is.
25. You realize that HOMECOMING is much more than a football game!!
26.You forget what Night wrestling comes on.

You might be an Airborne Soldier if...

The first thing you do in the morning is put in a dip
Your favorite beer is someone else's
Your cologne smells suspiciously like bug juice
You think a spit shine means to spit on your boots and wipe them on the back of your pant legs
Your kids wear a high and tight and stand at parade rest
You tell the arresting officer that you have just been alerted and you were speeding to work
When you have dinner guests in between paydays, you try to pass off a hamslice as canned ham
You use your spotter scope to pull surveillance at the pool or the Pope AFB air show
You would rather smoke a private then a Marlboro
Your hide site is cleaner than your room
You set up concertina wire around your house to keep trick or treaters away
You spend your free time thinking of ways you would destroy things if you were a terrorist
You never enter a bar without an E&R plan
You consider a "Recon" walking around the bar looking for chicks
You order a beer from the waitress by hollering "Nurse give me an IV"
You consider a six pack a well balanced breakfast
You say "Hooah" whether you understand or not
You creatively acquire things you need
Every sport you play has the word combat as part of its name

Army Christmas

Army Christmas Operations Order 00-5689:
Subject: Christmas

1. An official visit by MG Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 1999. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through the C1. Mice stirring permits will be processed through the C2 for proper clearances and obtained through Veterinary Services, ARCENT-KU.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 1999. See MAJ Dickenson for pre-napping medical requirements. See MAJ Adams for napping demonstration. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment should have been drawn from homestation CIF prior to deployment.

c. Personnel will utilize standard Sharq Market sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in the unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.

d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. ARCENT-KU safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 1999, ATTN: MAJ Salada, for approval.

e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. PMO Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 1998, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Section OICs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open nor window sashes thrown open prior to start of official clatter. See CPT Donley for hardcopy.

f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 1999, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown open and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.

g. SSG Bekono will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of MG Claus' driver who, in accordance with current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".

2. MG Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested through SPC Oswalt on Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December1999, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-in.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." See LTC Pride for demonstration. This shout will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of section NCOICs.

Colonel, USA
OIC, Special Services

Everybody Who Still Believes

Army Special Forces Vs. Marines

A marine recon platoon was on patrol when the lt. noticed a lone special forces soldier standing on a hill top in their area. The lt. told two of his men to go take out that man.

They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the sf soldier. Just before they got to the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The two marines followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the sf soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines.

The lt., pissed, called for a squad to go get that sf soldier. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the sf soldier. Just before they got to the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The marine squad followed. For the next few miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the sf soldier came up on the hill top. He brushed off his bdu's, straightened his beret, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the marines.

The lt. was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the sf soldier. Determined that the recon was far superior to the one sf soldier they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.Just before they got to the top, the sf soldier ran over the other side of the hill. The marine's followed.

For many miniutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone marine crawling back to the lt., all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His bdu's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The lt. asked for a sit.rep.

The lone marine, bloody and beaten replied in a forceful and fearful voice "Sir, run, its a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

Dictionary Definition of hooah

hooah (hoo ah) adj., adv., n., v., conj., interj., excla. [Orig. unknown] Slang. 1. Referring to or meaning anything and everything except "no". 2. What to say when at a loss for words. 3.a. Good copy. b. Roger. c. Solid copy. d. Good. e. Great. f. Message received. g. Understood. h. Acknowledged. 4.a. Glad to meet you. b. Welcome. 5. "All right!" 6.a. I don't know the answer, but I'll check on it. b. I haven't the foggiest idea. 7. I am not listening. 8. "That is enough of your drivel; sit down!" 9. Yes. 10. "You've got to be kidding me!" 11. Thank you. 12. Go to the next slide. 13. You've taken the correct action. 14. I don't know what that means, but I'm too embarassed to ask for clarification. 15. Squared away (He's pretty hooah.) 16. Amen!

Fall Out

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

How to Tell That You're No Longer in the Army

1. I call my boss Mike, his boss Larry, and his boss Bob.
2. Kiwi regains its meanings as a flightless bird native to New Zealand.
3. I'm now making full use of both arms for carrying items, and save loads of time not looking for my hat (once I realized I don't wear one anymore).
4. One look at my new paycheck and I now know why they called it the L.E.S.(S). figure out what to wear to work.
5. I can again use the "passive" voice in my writing without the grammar police smacking my knuckles.
6. Forget to shave? Just tell 'em you're starting your beard that day! Haircut? Ha!
7. Can walk to the right side of Mike, Larry, and Bob without violating some medieval concept of courtesy.
8. Have finally worked "Airborne", "Hoo-Ah", Sh*!", and "Fu#@" out of my daily vocabulary.
9. Business lunches, golfing, and baseball season tickets are considered an essential part of work.
10. The ability to run long distances quickly and do many push-ups or sit-ups is not confused for intelligence, leadership potential, or degree of motivation.
11. Have determined brown T-shirts and OD Socks go with nothing in the real world.
12. Can fly to New Zealand to see small flightless birds without having to get permission and a bunch of signatures on an DA Form 31.
13. Can't remember the last time the shoes I wore to work got any mud on them.
14. Office empty at 5:15 PM. Only people left behind are ex-military whose wives couldn't take the shock of seeing their spouses before 7:00PM.
15. No guards at the entrance to my subdivision.
16. All the years of learning great cadences wasted on the civilian world.
17. Discovered jumping out of a perfectly good plane on a business trip is a federal offense.
18. If a cannon goes off at the office at 6:30 AM or 5:00 PM you call 911.
19. No harassment from people with nothing better to do than worry whether my coat is zipped or not.

Separating the Men from the Fools

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

****Please note: I am unaware of where these humorous bits originated. If you have any info, please let me know so that I may give proper credit! Thanks!
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